Dear Diary
by VeraN
Summary: This is a diary entry made by Jo after she dies...what she would have wanted to say. Please R & R


I wrote this fic only yesterday, so it is basically hot off the press. Actually, technically it is, because I wrote it then read through it once, then closed it, and this is the next time I have opened it. I got this idea that I wanted to write a diary from someone, and I just kept on writing.

Disclaimer: I don't own anyhting.

And now, for the story 

Dear Diary,

I sit up here, watching everyone down there suffering, crying, in pain and regretting me not coming with them. All I want to do is tell them that it is OK, that I am fine and that I am happy. I want to tell them that I didn't feel anymore pain, that it was quick and that I am in a better place. I want to tell them that now I feel no more pain. How I wish I could speak to all of them one more time, just once more, to tell them everything.

My soul hurts, for not telling them what was happening to me, for not telling them how I felt, how I was going to end up anyway…

I watch them all walk around the remains, looking for some reason why I wasn't in the bomb blast. I feel like telling them that of course I was there, because now I am here. But I can't.

It is like there is an invisible barrier between us, I can't say anything to them, but they can get through to me. I can see them, but they can't see me. And I know what that barrier is. It's called death. It is what happens when someone dies. I know that now.

They try to find a little clue, telling them who else was in the station at the time. They found only one, a piece of little blue material.

I have been watching them for nearly two hours now, but it seems like it has been days.

I was taken so suddenly, it only took a second, not even that. Then I was outside the station, looking at it burning. That was the weirdest experience I had ever had. I was watching myself get burnt in the station, yet I was outside it. Tom was lying on the ground. I heard him shout before, but that is all I heard. It was so scary. I didn't know what had happened.

I could see the flames of the bomb, engulfing what was my work. I could feel the heat from the fire, I could see the flames slowly dieing down. And then I was gone.

I took only a few seconds to register it, to take one last look at the life I had lead, the place, the people, who were my life, then I came up here.

I could see everyone else, out at the Baxter's, not knowing anyhting about what had just happened. I saw PJ go back to the car and lean in, obvioulsy talking on the radio. I saw him look around, I even heard him yell at the nearest person, Susie, to come quickly. Then they jumped in the car and drove off.

They took the exact route I had only taken a few hours earlier, back to the station. Only…there wasn't a station.

I saw the look of horror on both of their faces when they turned around the corner. I saw PJ start to get tears in his eyes and I heard Susie gasp.

They pulled up in the car and jumped out at the sight of everyhting. Tom was laying on the ground, but PJ went past him after checking he was alive. He went straight onto the still smouldering ashes of the station, calling for me.

I tried to answer him, to tell him that I wasn't there. I spoke to him, but he didn't hear me.

Susie was in the car, once again on the radio. Only a few minutes later the place was a hive of activity, there was ambulances, fire engines, all the police cars from around the district and all the news reporters, trying to get pictures of what the papers all around Australia the next day called "The Tradgedy of Mount Thomas."

I couldn't see PJ, he was in the middle of a group of people, all comforting him, hugging him, whispering silent and inaudible words of sympathy. But I could hear him. I could hear him crying, calling out my name.

I could see Ben, he was crouched over himself, as close to the ground as he could possibly get, alone in his greif. Susie was watching him, over the shoulder of Jonesy, who was giving her a hug of consolation. Tom was being carried away on a stretcher, into the ambulance. And I…I was watching everything going on from up above.

How I miss PJ. I miss him, touching him and holding him, smelling him and being in his presence. Even when he wasn't near I could feel him, I could feel his love. I wish I had told him everything. Damn me and my arogance. I love him so much, but in the last few days I thought I didn't.

I knew in my heart what he said to that woman on the balcony was true, but I knew he loved me even more than Maggie, he just needed me to be taken away to realise it. I knew that we both wanted to be together, in each other's arms forever. I wish I had told him that I love him. Our love for each other is like the wind. You can't see it, but you can feel it. We both felt it, we both knew it was real. I can still feel his love for me, it swirls in spirals up into the clouds, and fills the air with a sweet warmness. I wonder if he can feel mine.

How I wish I had told everyone else how much they meant to me. Susie, she was always there for me. The girls in the station, we always stuck together, no matter what. Tom, although we didn't really get on too well in the beginning, and then the Maggie thing made it even worse, but he was like my mediator. He tought me everything, he was the greatest boss I ever knew. He was kind and warm, always up for a lugh, but somehow he silently demanded respect from his staff, his superiors and the public alike. Everyone loved Tom, everyone still loves Tom, I wish I had told him. And Ben, what can I even say about him?

All of them, they meant everything, everything to me. Why didn't I tell them?

This leukamia, it was slowly eating away at me. I stopped reacting to treatment, I stopped taking treatment anyway. I was going to tell them everything, I wish I had, I just never got the chance. I would sit in my bed…before…and I would wonder why. Why was it me? Why did I get leukamia? I always thought that only young children got it, that once I was an adult I was over it…but it continued. I thought after the first treatment that it was gone, I became an adult and was sure it was gone.

It was such a shock for it to be back.

I didn't even tell PJ about my first leukamia treatment, I was only 15 and I was basically carefree. I wanted to live a normal life, but I accepted it. But, once it was gone, it was out of my life forever. I forgot all about it. I thought that I was a survivor, it was in my past and I didn't want to bring back all those bad memories and pain, once again. It kept on getting brought up, whenever I applied for anything with the police, but never, not once, did anyone of the "high powers" ever discus it with anyone but me.

I was slowly dieing anyway, one way or another I was going to be here, where I am, sooner or later. It hurt, every day, every day that I didn't tell everyone at the station, every day the pain got a little bit worse. Every day I said I would tell PJ the next day, every day I said I could cope only one more day alone, then I would tell him.

I am still watching them as I write this, about an hour later now. The new girl, Amy, is there, the new sergeant as well. They are all sitting in the hospital, waiting for the news about Tom. I can see them still crying about me. I wish I could tell them to stop crying, to wipe their eyes. I hope they don't go all Buffy style on me and try to bring me back, I am truly happier where I am now. I don't know where I would rather be, but I can watch everyhting from here, and make myself feel like I am a part of it.

I am getting used to it, it really isn't so bad being up here.

And from my little perch up here, I see everything, and I always will. I will always see my loved ones down there, for all eternity, or at least until they come and join me here.

Hope you all liked the story, please Review…it helps me become a better writer! Thanks everyone

Vera


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